I don't think I'm likely to accomplish any of my gaming goals this year. Kind of mind-blowing that it's already September. I've been struggling to enjoy games the way I used to for a while now. I don't think my unstable lifestyle of fucking around is very well suited to hardcore gaming.
Stepping away from gaming has given me another perspective too... In theory, it seems to be a waste to play videogames in youth. Youth gives us fitness, sociability, ambition, and more. Our bodies are basically at their best in our 20s-30s, and our minds will continue to perform at top level well through our 40s and probably 50s for our generation too. Why should we squander the bounties of youth to exercise the mind, especially in such a way that does not really provide the compounding benefits of scholarship and professional endeavor? For health, it's shortsighted. For social life, it's regrettable. For career, it can be depressing. The rewards of youthful gaming must not be entirely short-sighted, but right now they seem to me to be easily thrown in with the sin of laziness. I am feeling more and more like those people whom I couldn't convince that Halo 3 was so much better than Halo 2 and that they weren't the same game.
I'm not saying that what I'm doing is in any way better than gaming. Not at all. Personally, I've had very little productivity this year and my social life can't be that much better than an average hardcore gamer's. But I still feel some kind of ineffable guilt
in even contemplating spending my money on a MGSV and sitting down for 50 hours to engross myself in the game and its lore/previous games. It's not like watching a tv episode or movie. It's a real mental commitment. To enjoy these games properly, I want to go deep, deep into the game. Not just tap in and tap out like some flappy bird / casual game shit. Hell, I haven't continued Skyward Sword for this very reason and I got it at launch. TV/Movies are probably just as much a "waste of time" but they are so much easier to consume; there's almost none of that strange guilt. I think that's why I like Civ V. I can go deep and achieve that mental flow in just 1 day. No mental commitment to continue another day or loss of enjoyment for deciding to stop after 1 game. Sm4sh is like a casual game to me by these definitions.
I don't know what to do.
I think if I get a stable 9-5 job, I should easily get back into gaming. But if I find something to work on that really pleases me, I'd prefer to work on it 24/7, and that seems like the best outcome. So if I want the best outcome, I should have it in mind all the time... but that precludes the kind of gaming I so dearly miss.